Zanarkand Episode I: Big Bridge
by Boggsley
Summary: In short, a story about Boobs and their effect on reality, and on getting people off. Of large structures. AU, FFXFF8 Crossover, eventual Yaoi in later installments.


Zanarkand Episode I:  
  
Big Bridge  
  
FFX/FF8 Crossover, AU.  
  
Two members of the CBPR Task Force come to sort out an incident that occurs after a rather licentious Blitzball Interview.  
  
Episode I: Big Bridge  
  
Follow the mind's eyes with me, won't you, to a mid-sized city covered in gently falling snow. People scuttle across the streets like roaches across a half-eaten day old pizza. The streets are slick with melted precipitation, and as Transport Machinas drive by, unwary pedestrians get a nasty surprise in the form of a mysterious heavy shower, most notably of grimy water.  
  
The town is peppered with large skyscrapers, the most notably large one showing a recent, if not live, Interview on the largest Spheron Grid in all of the City with the VIP of the Starky Jacksons, Meg Charlson, a curvacious woman with a mean backstroke who currently had her normal above-average cleavage now magnified fifty times. As a result, there was a rather large crowd of men watching the screen now, clogging up the pedestrian bridge over top Main Street. This was causing quite a ruckus, because the bridge was only meant to support at the most fifty people of average weight in the very center, (the spot straight across from the Spheron Grid now displaying a fifty-plus yards wide pair of mammory glands) and now there was currently a congregation there approximately three-hundred percent past current regulations.  
  
There was no name dubbed upon the bridge by the architect responsible for its design, and it seemed (to the other crowd of spectators below, simultaneously watching the biggest set of unmentionables in the universe and the ominously creaking bridge above) that there was never going to be a name for it.  
  
The Criminal Behavior Punishment and Removal Task Force had been called ten minutes ago, and it seemed that they finally showed up. The best way to describe the two officers would be this- Imagine a woman who has a tan so fakely brown it looks like she rolled in foundation like a pig in mud, wearing loosely associated flaps of fabric known only vaguely as clothes, and a big purple pony-tail. Travelling behind her is a man with a jaw that looks like it was carved from a cliff face, currently wearing a pair of too-tight jeans in the vain hope that they'll improve what is there. He's wearing a wooly jacket, and his hair has the look of one who puts a bowl on their head and snips happily away. There is also an almost intangible feeling in their presence, like She knows already what lies under the jeans, isn't pleased, and uses that knowledge to bend him around her finger like a rubber band on a pencil, no pun intended.  
  
Her name is Dona, and she is, without a doubt, a Grade-A Bitch. This was alleviated by the fact that her bosom was fractionally smaller than the real-life pair on the Spheron Grid. Barthello, her partner, walked behind her and silently tallied in his head how many times he thought he could swim from one gargantuan nipple to the other before drowning to death in the most pleasant way he thought could be possible.  
  
By the time they had gotten out to the center of the Bridge, Dona had concocted a plan.  
  
"Listen up, men," she yelled. The wind blew and the entire bridge went 'uuuurgh'. "The bridge is going to collapse if you do not remove yourselves from the vicinity immediately. Do you understand me?"  
  
This yelled exclamation had about the same effect on the crowd as a small child at the ocean throwing a pail-full of water in. Dona distressingly noticed that the crowd was entirely male, with the exception of a single woman in the middle dressed in flannel.  
  
"That don't seem to be working, Dona," Barthello stated. If he had one talent, it would have to be stating the obvious. Dona felt he was doing so by even wearing those jeans.  
  
"Well then what do you suggest we do, Barthello?" she asked as sweet as tooth decay.  
  
"What do you think they're staring at now?"  
  
Dona was not particularly bright- At times, during heated discussions, she tended to use heavy biting sarcasm to cover up her own lack of knowledge, thus acting like ninety percent of the population. But you could see the thought form in her mind as her eyes widened.  
  
"You are honestly suggesting I-"  
  
"Do you have a plan?"  
  
Dona felt she should respond with a Remark, but it somehow ceased to form at her lips.  
  
"There's one of those, you knows, out there!" she hissed.  
  
"She has a nice eyepatch," Barthello said encouragingly. "You'll only be half-ogled."  
  
Dona rolled her eyes skywards, before facing the crowd, yelling 'HA!' and ripping what covering she had on, off.  
  
The crowd was confused. On the one hand, there was a gigantic pair of knockers, and on the other, a REAL pair of knockers. Half their attention stayed on the Spheron Grid, the other half ogling the real flesh. One poor fellow in the midst of the crowd suddenly developed the ability to look in two seperate directions simultaneously.  
  
Dona stayed in her current state, feeling slightly awkward, suddenly reminded of her Younger Days, (three years ago,) whenever she was hard up on cash and decided to try working at a bar.  
  
Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by someone yelling a metaphor having something to do with Tater Tots.  
  
This resulted in a full-body blush (hard to do when covered head-to-toe in base,) and a subsequent crack from the same guy having to do with joo-hoo-hoo-hoosay tomatoes. Dona tried hard not to analyze, but she seemed to hear something about pink stems.  
  
By this time, the New Happenings Deluxe Travelling Machina complete with Satellite On Roof had arrived, Spherocam in hand and recording the scene from below.  
  
Dona had learned that by walking backwards, she could lure the crowd towards her and off the bridge. She did this slowly, duly noting that the Eye-patched one had started following her. Barthello had busted through the crowd and was currently Knocking Heads In, which resulted in half of the remaining crowd on the bridge dispersing and the other half unconscious, the latter of which Barthello was dragging off single-handedly.  
  
Eventually she made it- The spell was broken and the Interview was over, being replaced with a Special New Happenings bulletin about the Incident on Main Street. She tried to cover up, a valiant attempt to use her arms which resulted in some degree of success.  
  
When they interviewed Her on how she and her partner disbanded the Scene, Dona got so excited that her hands flew up. Not realizing this, (and simultaneously being Live,) nearly every citizen watching Spheron Channel 5 got to see Dona in a new and frightening way.  
  
The interview continued in this manner for quite some time until the Bridge, newly laden with appreciative looky-loos, collapsed. 


End file.
